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Beards Slow Down Ageing Process

George-Clooney-Ben-Affleck-BAFTA-beards

Drop that razor. Beards can protect you from the sun, prevent asthma attacks, and keep you from being a dateless wonder. New research conducted by leading British paper The Daily Mail suggests we’d all be better off with a little scruffiness.

Let’s take a look at the benefits of this groundbreaking BroScience!

1) Masculinity=Attraction

According to polls conducted by the brilliant minds at Evolution and Human Behavior, beards not only make you more seductive, but more likely to be a great parent.

Full-bearded men may be perceived as better fathers who could protect and invest in offspring.

Remember Papa Smurf? He had a beard. That’s what smurfed him apart from the rest of the Smurfs. A full beard can represent experience and maturity. A five o’clock shadow might indicate you’re able to have a kid but not quite ready for the trials and tribulations of fatherhood. Kevin Federline had one of those and everything worked out just fine.. For KFed that is.

Women judged faces with heavy stubble as most attractive and heavy beards, light stubble and clean-shaven faces as similarly less attractive.

Guys with light stubble are perfectly well and good until the words ‘I’m Pregnant’ come into play. Then they bounce faster than Lindsay Lohan at a community service orientation. Probably south of the border. And not just a daily trip to Chipotle. We’re talking Speedy Gonzalez style, ‘I’ll be right back.. I uh- have to make a call.. Arribba!’ race on down. Women should naturally gravitate to the bearded man, as he’ll stay to pay alimony.

Masculinity ratings increased linearly as facial hair increased.

The bigger the beard, the more masculine you are! This doesn’t mean you neckbeards out there should keep going ‘Brooklyn’ style though. Try and actually trim those day-old Cheetos out.. Maybe leave one in, keep her guessing.

2) Beards Keep You Looking Younger

The hair stops water leaving the skin — keeping it moisturized — by protecting it from the wind, which dries the skin and disturbs the protective skin barrier, says Dr Lowe.

Like Samson before you, your manliness is dependent on avoiding shaving at all costs. Next time she prods and asks, ‘When are you shaving that thing off?’, just respond ‘Bitch you crazy? It’s the secret to my power!’ and prepare for the divorce settlement. At least, you’ll be protected from the wind.

Men have more hair follicles in this area than women do.

Generally, men are more proficient at growing beards than women are. Except the occasional Indian chick.

3) Allergen Repellent

Your nose hairs trap more than you think they do. Nose hairs trap pollutants that could actually cause your body harm. In theory, a moustache could stop things that trigger asthma entering the airways. but it would have to be a big one.
– Dr Felix Chua & Clifford W. Bassett, M.D.

Nose trimmer corporations better watch out! It appears all this time our nose hairs, beards, and ‘staches were protecting us! Pollen, trapped by your beard. Check. That hipster stache might be all that stands between you and a dangerous asthma attack. Gentlemen, the choice is clear. For the good of your health, let your beards run free and wild. Untamed, and uncensored.

Written by Nir Regev

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Top 10 Types of People on Facebook

1) The 10 out of 10

Expect 10 million guys commenting/liking every status.  Coincidentally expect almost no girl comments on photos, as chicks don’t comment on chicks hotter than them. Be ready for 4,657 friends, all guys who want her or girls who want to use the girls’ status to get sloppy seconds.

2) Spamatron 5000

Remember that one time you were at a club and some random promoter guy talked to you for a few minutes? No? Well he does motherfucker. After you naively add them on Facebook expect ten million invites to parties, groups, and fan pages you don’t care about. This will continue for a certain time span. We call this time span: Forever.

3) The Attention Whore

Every update is the same, “omg i hate my life”, “why does everything happen to me”, “where are all the good guyzz/ girlzz, hate my lifeeeee” attention whoring. Girl most likely is upper middle class, in college with food, and working internet connection. She also has it worse than a 2 year old war orphan in Somalia.

Live. Laugh. Attention Whore ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥

4) White Knight Virgin

Oh heavenly blessed beauty won’t you talk to me? The White Knight will ‘like’ and comment every girl’s status and photo within a 20 mile radius, hoping to get laid. Every guy will subconsciously white knight in their youth till they realize what really works. Not giving a fuck. That’s what gets you laid.

Don’t end up like this guy:

httpv://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vuZeU-SjgJQ

5) Forever Alone

Forever Alone hasn’t received a Facebook notification since January 7, 2001. He lives his days reloading his mailbox, checking his Iphone for new messages, uploading photos with no comments or likes except his own. His most recent Friend request came from his mom. Forever alone.

6) The Myspace Angle

Foolish enough to look only at her profile pic you were! How did this occur? Profile pic is white knight bait. Pic was never an eight. Why did you message her that day? Facebook should say how much you weigh.

7) Captain Deactivate

Captain Deactivate will delete her Facebook systematically once or twice a month in a cry for attention. Since everybody knows you can never truly delete your account, people use this method to attention whore. Of course inevitably Captain Deactivate realizes nobody really cares and returns. Only to repeat the cycle a week afterwards.

8 ) What Ever Happened to ____ After Highschool

Before:

After:

How this happened? Was it: Years of binge drinking? Five Kids? One too many boxes of Twinkies? Who knows. Let this be a lesson for you youngsters out there who think you’re gonna be the same forever. Put down the Mountain Dew and Hot Pockets. And the Ben & Jerry’s while watching Twilight.

9) Never Logon Dude

He registered once long, long ago. When Myspace was around, when Facebook didn’t have a stalk feed. When people still used AOL Instant Messenger. Every few years Never Logon Dude will log on , check out some photos of hot chick friends, and disappear once again to the abyss of profiles. Commonly associated with Captain Deactivate.

10) The Most Interesting Man in the World

Doesn’t exist, any dude that interesting would not have a Facebook. And if he did it would be for PR purposes only, and probably written by some schmuck working for him while he was banging supermodels left and right on his yacht in the Caribbean.

-Written by Nir Regev

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Live Streaming Concerts: Impact on Musicians

Live Streaming Concerts: Impact on Musicians

It’s time for an important discussion. Live Streaming Concerts. Personally, I think from an Artist perspective I’d be more than irritated but say nothing in an effort to not damage fan PR.

In today’s modern world CD stores are all but gone, albums don’t sell anywhere close to what they used to, and pretty much every major band still around has to endlessly tour to survive.

Sure, no one’s going broke necessarily but look at the bigger picture. Live streaming concerts subtly takes away the last guaranteed source of income bands still have. Sure the ‘hardcore’ fans will likely go no matter what but what about those content to just stay home and keep Periscope or Facebook on in the background instead? As streaming becomes higher and higher quality, it means more than a few seats might be vacant when a fan would have been there before.

Live Streaming Concerts: No Going Back

Yes, technology is ever evolving and Luddite style solutions are impractical. You can’t put the cork back in the wine bottle. Live streaming is mobile, readily available and not going anywhere.

As time passes though more and more Art is becoming available for free, monetarily devaluing the artist who created it. Is this the kind of future environment we want for future musicians? Where they have to tirelessly perform for ‘exposure’ for eternity rather than be paid? Lifetime ‘Musician Interns’ if you will.

Sure, live streaming is still relatively in its infancy. A wild west online frontier of sorts. It’s something to think about with the bands we love. Especially if we want them to keep being able to perform in the epic venues they deserve. To us it’s just a show, to them it’s their livelihood being streamed live free of charge.

Follow me on Twitter: @nirregev

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Manly Role Models: Snake Plissken

Manly Role Models: Snake Plissken

Manly Role Model: Snake Plissken
Famous For: Escape from New York, Escape from L.A.

Snake’s Resume

Gents, take a peek into the life of a bloke who didn’t squander their time checking Facebook notifications. World War III renegade Snake Plissken, the youngest man to be decorated by a U.S. President. Two purple hearts in Leningrad and Siberia. It might seem like a crazy notion now, but in the 80s and 90s people used to go outside. And not just to check their smartphones at the mall. Yes, a couple of best bros might actually venture out to the scary alien landscape of Full Definition. Action was taken. Thanks to the internet, today a man is only as hardworking as the timing of their last wank. In other words, everybody’s asleep. Men have been in hibernation for the last decade.

Our film protagonists reflect this drowsy reality. With the lone exception of 24’s Jack Bauer. Gone are the days of a clear good and evil. Actions first, questions later? Quietly retired. In it’s place, a never-ending loop of second guessing that would make a Kardashian blush. Groupthink via status update. Snake Plissken saved the U.S. President in the amount of time most guys analyze if they texted the town bicycle back too quickly.

Let’s go vintage and rewind the tapes. Blockbuster style. Just kidding, we’re actually gonna do it. Let’s reminiscence about the fictional world of one of the last true manly role models. Call me Snake.

Snake in Diplomatic Negotiations
Manly Role Models: Snake Plissken Negotiates

Pictured Above: Snake politely engages the enemy in diplomatic discourse. Vintage sanctions my friends! This is what red lines looked like in the 80s.

Snake Discusses Small Government
Manly Role Models: Snake Plissken

What we all secretly wanna say when one of those hassling interns blocks your path on the sidewalk with their clipboard. Can’t you see I’m going to the gym fucker?

A Manly AnswerManly Role Models: Snake PlisskenManly Role Models: Snake Plissken

A manly answer not only sounds good, it feels good. Simply think: ‘What would Snake do?’ In any and all situations.

Role Model. Hero. Whatever.
Manly Role Models: Snake Plissken

                                  Snake Plissken

Written by Nir Regev

Learn from Snake:
Escape from New York (Two-Disc Blu-ray/DVD Combo in Blu-ray Packaging)John Carpenter’s Escape From L.A. [Blu-ray]

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Hipsters Raising Cheap Beer Prices

Pabst Blue Ribbon Beer - It has other Uses
*Pictured Above: The newest in hipster invention and originality –
The PBR Lamp.

**Not Pictured Above: Political Science degree, Occupy Wall St. badge, and ‘temporary’ unemployment.
Because sometimes in life you’re just in-between things. Forever.

According to new research conducted by the fine folks over at Restaurant Sciences, prices of cheap beer are spiraling out of control. The reason? Pabst Blue Ribbon beer!

They are the reason why “sub-premium” beer prices in the city have climbed 9.4% in the last seven months, say Restaurant Sciences, which tracks food and beverage sales nationwide.

Yes, my friends, it’s finally happened! In the ultimate hipster irony, PBR has actually become too popular and mainstream! Other beer companies are now actively seeking to price themselves out of your wallet. America’s former favorites are taking their business elsewhere. To a new target market, one that actually has ten dollars in cash, not just on their parents debit card. No longer can a fresh college grad, simply put down his McDonald’s name tag and picket sign out on the street and grab a cold one.. Or even a warm one! Sorry Corona fans.

The Walmart Effect: Drink PBR, Live PBR

Pabst Blur Ribbon - Coffee Drink

Dat poverty life is no doubt correlated to drinking can after can of PBR! 100% Foolproof my friends! Imagine, there you are a young lad suckered into drinking beer out of a can by your bearded ‘friends’. Before you know it, you yourself are donning a trucker hat, haven’t shaved in weeks, and getting mistaken for a hobo on a daily basis.

Young and impressionable you were, and just like that PBR becomes the only thing you can afford. You’ve been priced out of the market, suddenly you can only work jobs that can pay for your PBR. Since bars that sell PBR aren’t going for the high-end clientele, you meet a similar PBR wife at your new job as a PBR barback. She’s a little pudgy and her boobs are sagging all over the place, but in your PBR haze you don’t know any better. And then the time comes.. Your wife gives birth to a future hipster. Fulfilling the cycle of life. The hipster life. The horror. The unspeakable horror!

The Bearded Facts

Bearded Pabst Blue Ribbon PBR Beer Cans

According to an interview by leading scholarly paper the New York Daily News, the reason for PBR’s popularity is due to mainly one sole reason! Let’s take a look at what the Daily News’ finest uncovered. The infamous bearded facts with legendary local bartender Sam Rio:

PBR sells for $2 a can at the popular Welcome to the Johnson’s bar on the Lower East Side.

Sam Rio, bartender at Pete’s Candy Store in Williamsburg, said that’s the only reason to drink PBR.

“Personally, I think it tastes like s—,” said Rio, who sells it for $3 a can.”

There you have it! It may taste like PBR, but the cost is slightly less or equal to most consumers working wages.

Pabst Blue Ribbon Beer. The reason you can’t afford shit.

pbr for life coors is too mainstream brah

PBR’s surging popularity has lead to complete economic disaster for students who once fathomed dreams! Dreams like affording a bottle of Stella Artois. Gone are the days when a young lad could just hop out with a 4 year degree and expect to purchases the luxuries in life!

“I believe the single biggest driver in sub-premium beer price increases is indeed specifically PBR,” said Chuck Ellis, who heads the research company. “It has become quite fashionable.”

Ellis reached that conclusion after his researchers tracked beer prices at 500 bars and restaurants across the city.

Researchers reason that since PBR has “become quite fashionable,” restaurants and bars feel justified charging more for it and other standard non-craft brews.

Best forget that Heineken and start saving up for a Corona… And even that is not safe. Or guaranteed. It’s time for a call to action! It’s time to Occupy Williamsburg!! We’ve suffered for way too long, my friends! Viva La Revolution!

Cat Ponders Murder of Owner. Euthanasia at work folks.

cat plots the end of hipsters

*Above cat was more masculine than a whole generation of hipsters. No beard needed.

Written by Nir Regev

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Worst Moments in EDM History: Electric Zoo 2013

 

Worst Moments in EDM History : Electric Zoo 2013

You can always find more peers in this disposable society. But likes and retweets, they are to be treasured.

Burning up inside. Thirst rising and the situation uncompromising. They needed water to cool down. But unfortunately no one who cared was around. Two somber deaths occurred in Electric Zoo 2013, when MDMA (Molly) use caused a tragedy. Rampant open use of the drug Molly causing body temperature to accelerate, an inevitable catastrophe was brewing.

While more than a few featured artists wrote sorrow filled messages regarding the incident, their fans were much less forgiving.

One fan mentioned in a DNAinfo.com article had this to say: “If they cared about the concert-goers, they wouldn’t have canceled,” she said, adding that the festival was “just trying to look good for the mayor.” Others took to Twitter to display displeasure: “They could have at least attempted to tighten up security instead of CANCELING the whole damn day. #ezoo2013 #EZOO5 #idiots”. No remorse or regret. It could have been anyone.

A complete disaster occurred that day at Electric Zoo.

Yet, most fans failed to recognize their own mortality. Forget someone else’s. This could have been a time of self reflection. Instead it served as an ongoing symbol of the selfie ME-ME-ME era. Where people are more concerned with filling up hashtags for some likes than their own peers. After all, you can always find more peers in this disposable society. But likes and retweets, they are to be treasured.

Social media however, is not at fault. It is simply a microcosm, a reflection of our true self. It has given people a digital persona to release their inner thoughts out loud. No longer are they restricted by looking into the eyes of another. No longer judged as cruel or heartless. No.

There is no frown button online. No dislike one either for that matter. You can say what you want, when you want to. And even receive likes for it. Validation at discount rates. If this era’s generation could write #Whocares #Showgoeson and it was socially acceptable.. They would. They don’t care and they never have.

Maybe none of the generations of the past did either. But they didn’t get likes for saying so. They attended Woodstock not Electric Zoo. They wanted to meet people, not text ones they already knew. They took photos of the show, not themselves at it. Whatever the case.. Only one fact matters.

There will always be another three day pass, nothing can bring Jeffery and Olivia back.

Written by Nir Regev

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